A scary peek into my heart! 9-27

Today I had a plan and stuck to it. I have been really stuck and I am working my way through my internal muck.

I was up before 6 and did my cleaning of the bathrooms, sweeping and mopping the floors and then off to the market here in Cool. On the way to the market I stopped at the newly opened Gym here in Cool to get information on joining and classes offered.

It might seem odd to some of you, but I haven’t ever been to a Gym. I’ve talked about it over the years but Larry has always rolled his eyes at me. He is a believer in you can do all that at home and it’ll cost you nothing. Larry has discipline like nobody I have ever seen and I work hard to keep up with him, but when it comes to exercise…YUCK. I hate that I need to exercise to maintain my health and weight…I would rather be doing anything else….digging in the dirt, reading, art, photography. I did an aerobics class way, way back when the kids were very small and I have done videos at home, but after awhile I get bored with them….I lasted the longest with the yoga videos, but I’m sure that is because Larry was doing them with me.

So, my point with all this rambling is I may join the Gym, learn how to use the machines and take a spinning or aerobics class, PLUS it is a way to meet other women in the area and the place is less than a mile from home…so convenient…I’ll keep you posted. My sister Lori is a fitness Queen and loves going to the Gym, so we’ll see if I have a little of that in me too.

By 10 a.m. I was done with everything I HAD to do for the day and onto phase two of my day…working through my issues.

I have learned that the ONLY failure in this world is doing nothing. Doing nothing means not trying, not making mistakes, not succeeding and ultimately not living, because in doing nothing we are in a state of suspended animation. We are alive, breathing, ageing and dying, but we are not living.

How have I learned this you ask? Because I have had to struggle all of my life to keep moving towards living and not standing still in fear. I learned at three and a half years of age that life can end very suddenly and in losing my Dad I had those magical years of childhood stripped from me, meaning that I learned about the reality of life (we all die) before I could process it.

I’ve only recently realized that everything I have done good or “bad” has all been driven by that very early catastrophe. I must have done something bad for my Dad to be taken from me…there is something bad going to happen….anything I have can be taken away from me, my husband, my children, my home, MY LIFE. As a child I’m sure I was glad it wasn’t me the “bad men” had killed and along with that I’m sure was buried guilt that a child would have no way of understanding or dealing with. So blah, blah, blah….I’ll save the rest for the epic of my life.

And believe me at 51 I keep thinking I should have WAY gotten over all that, but I have never really stopped and faced it which I am doing now. I guess subliminally I figured if I kept moving on I would find whatever I thought I needed or whatever was chasing me wouldn’t catch up…

So, even in my hobbies I let my fear of everything keep me frozen and I’ll think something to death but don’t ever execute it, because I may not do it right!

My exercise for today was that I was going to do 10 crappy drawings. Drawing is a challenge, I took a class 15 years ago and was a star pupil, but I never practice because….YES, I might not do it right! LORDY! I have taken watercolor workshops over the last 10 years, but yet again I don’t ever practice so I CAN get good at it because I over think the process and of course by not practicing I don’t improve.

Today I had no excuses…the chores were done and I had the whole day in front of me. You know what? I DID IT! Ten drawings of crap…by striving for crap I didn’t worry about doing anything right, but I have never been able to really do anything half assed so I just did the best I could with my limited knowledge and skills. I just sat outside and drew what was in front of me and when it got too hot I sat inside and drew what was in front of me.

After four drawings I broke to make dinner and then I was back at it. I made an agreement with myself and I was sticking to it. Now, why I picked ten I don’t know…five would have been good enough, because after finishing ten my hands were pretty sore. I erased very very little…that is an exercise in drawing class to just draw and not worry about correcting. It was wonderful being in my right brain all day. I told Larry after I finished that I felt like I had been away all day and had just returned home. The last drawing is of my man on the deck reading and I did that in about five minutes…a quick study…ha ha ha, but I can tell it is a man and I am happy about that.

Most of these you can actually tell what I was seeing, so it was a good day.

I share all this because I believe that if we don’t share we can’t learn. We are so very afraid that someone might think badly of us or use something against us that we withdraw from each other and when we do that how will we learn anything?

So to end today’s epic entry I will stop pushing the keys on the computer! Enjoy my crappy drawings!

P.S. I don't think I give enough credit and thanks to Larry for sticking with me through all my ups and downs...it has to be LOVE!!! Thank you Larry. I love you.